I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
