You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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