: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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