I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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