I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
