This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
