I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
