I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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