Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
