Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
