How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
