Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
