New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I got inside last night via doggy door
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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