i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Pappa wants mamma naked
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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