I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
