People in love make me want to vomit
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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