I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
