I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize