My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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