I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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