i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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