After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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