I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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