and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
