im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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