I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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