They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
