halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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