So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
