Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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