There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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