i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This baby is an asshole
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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