my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize