I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
