If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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