i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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