You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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