dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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