It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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