I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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