they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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