Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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