Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
