i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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