i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
