I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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