I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
