I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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