I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
