you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize