I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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