my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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