i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Drake has all the answers
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
