I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
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