Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
