there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
